beach

Seeing Lily Allen running around in France topless reminds me of the time this chick I knew who had a double mastectomy applied for a job as a stripper at the strip club, only she was doing it out of some post breast cancer political statement and was hard on cash and figured she could sue them for not hiring her as some discrimination against her amputated tits, and not because there are perverts out there who get off to all kinds of things.

These days everybody seems to go to the beach and who can blame them. Keeping that in mind it should not come as a surprise that Tara Reid went to the beach in Miami as well.

The good news about Bai Ling is that despite having little to do with her time, she still manages to find a way to show the world her huge dark nipples. I have never really had the experience of getting with a girl who has nipples like this and that’s probably a good thing because I know that any bitch packing a mini dick on her tits would use that shit to to prison rape me every time I cheat on them in hopes of getting with a nipple that is less like suckin’ a dick and more like being with a chick.

Here’s some Gemma Atkinson Bikini Pictures from Cuba, where she’s enjoying the friendly people, the beautiful beaches and the warm Caribbean Ocean, something that you’ll never be able to do because you government hates Cuba and has been trying to make them go bankrupt the last 50 years in hopes of taking the motherfuckin’ place over and turning it into a Peurto Rico or Hawaii.

Here is Pink in a bikini top so take it in as some kind of warning because if she ever comes to your small town lookin’ for friends and beggin’ to jump in on your pickup basketball game or night out at the stripclubs she’s desperate for friends and comes to you, you won’t get caught up in the lie.

10 years ago I would have paid big money to see one Daisy Fuentes topless. Today? Well, not so much. So that's why you get it for free here. Win for you! That being said, I'd still hit it with the Power of Grayskull.

I bet at least one of you has been sitting in your sweat covered computer chair your mom gave you for your birthday because she knows how much you love your computer and wants to make sure you don’t hurt yourself in your sport, waiting for these pictures too hit because she’s your fuckin’ favorite since you have a thing or Footballer wives in bikinis because they never seem to disappoint and always seem to be on vacation in their bikinis with their almost fit bodies because athletes aren’t into fat bitches and they pretty much have little else to do than work out.

Enough of that, here’s Coleen Mcloughlin in her bikini.

Britney Spears says she is in the best shape she's been in years after losing 20 pounds or something like that. And why not show that at the beach? Do you agree with her?

Here’s some Old Lady Locklear getting all competitive with Denise Richards and going as far as to stage her own bikini photoshoot with the paparazzi because her ego hasn’t fully recovered from having her husband leave her or the younger tighter body. She’s trying to prove to herself and to us that she’s got it going on and the truth is that she looks better than most 50 year old, but then again her life consists of doing absolutely nothing, so I can only assume that staying in shape and trying to retain as much of the sex appeal that got her this career in the first place is top priority, so in that case she’s doing a pretty shitty job of it.

Billie Piper was the Miley Cyrus of her generation in the UK. I know nothing about her, but she had some number 1 songs in 1997 when she was 15 and I guess she never really made it all that big because instead of continuing her career she went and got married to some older guy radio host who she divorced to re-marry the weird lookin’ dude she’s with in these pictures.

She was in spotted in August 2003 when a freelance photographer noticed Lucy Pinder sunbathing on a Bournemouth beach. With the success of these first photographs, Lucy signed a contract with national British newspaper The Daily Star, which thrust her into the public eye and garnered an immediate fan base which continues to grow around the world. She remains one of the most popular and sought after models in the UK.

I know these pics are not the newest of her on the interwebs. They were taken June 13th 2004, but I believe they are of extraordinary class and you all deserve to see them again and again and again.

I think it’s great that Fergie was able to pull her vagina out of the gutter, get off drugs, get out of debt and now have the money to buy anything she wants but doesn’t have to buy because companies are throwing the shit at her for free. It’s always been one of life’s weird dynamics, where companies want celebrities to promote their brands so they give them tons of product even though they can afford the shit while poor people they are marketing their shit too have to work their asses off for a month just to be able to afford a pair of fuckin’ sneakers they want.

Here’s Fergie in a bikini from this past weekend with her tight body and hard face….unfortunately she’s not spreading her ass like my Fergie was, but I guess this is as close as she gets….

If you’re wondering who the boy in the red bikini and stupid hat is, that would be Pink. Alright, so not all celebrity bikini pictures are hot, but until they make wearing a bikini a privilege and not a right, there’s just nothing we can do about it.

Fortunately for you, we have a lot of celebrities on the beach for you in our archives.

Yes, this is Mel B. Yes, she is at the beach. Yes, she is topless. No, it is not a strange thing on European beaches.

Natalie Pinkham is some kind of TV personality in the UK that my one UK reader never heard of. I generally don’t take anyone who reads this site’s word on anything, because I can only assume they are as useless as me so I’m stickin’ to my story and even if she’s an unknown, someone’s taking pictures of her so she’s important enough to post here.

Here is some Janice Dickinson bikini action because she hasn’t died of heat exhaustion like my 60 year old neighbor did last summer during the heat wave and that’s worth celebrating….

Mena’s one less square inch of fabric away from renaming herself Diamond and giving private dances for 20s. Love the tattoos, too. Clearly old money.

In case you’re unfamiliar with Pamela Bach, she’s the woman who divorced David Hasselhoff back in 2006. Also divorcing Hasselhoff in 2006: dignity and self respect.

Hey... did someone mention David Hasselhoff? Don't you know he is extremely NSFW?

While most of us still need to wear big coats when we go outside, people in other parts of the world are heading to the beach already. This was a couple of days ago. She got herself a nice thong-like bikini and showed it off for everybody. This is Mena Suvari in bikini at Miami Beach.

Raise your hands if you think watching Brooke Hogan in bikini on the beach is worth your time.

Don't let the sight of dad spoil your judgement!

Depending on how you look at her, Emma’s smile can be either her best asset or her worst flaw. She’s got a big mouth with some serious teeth that make her face look sexy in some instances and dangerously ordinary at other times. Thankfully, her body is something else. This is the result of a lifetime of competitive skiing, and we applaud her for this.

In other words, this UK TV host is a butter face. Don’t let that stop you from enjoying these bikini candids of her though because her body is tight!

When you go to Miami when the weather is nice, you have to go to the beach. And when you go to the beach when you're a well-known actress you have to show off. At least that's what this former Friends actor was told. So Jennifer Aniston wore one of her tiny bikinis again to make sure her pics would be all over the mighty interwebs again. And she succeeded.

Everyone is ripping on Scary Spice’s bikini pics because they think she looks like a fuckin’ wreck. Her last pics showed off some sort of growth or rash on her ass and the truth is that’s the kind of girl I am into. I think she looks pretty fuckin’ tight for a 30 something year old with a kid. It looks like the only damage done to her is an excessive amount of drinking and drugs, and if you were a retired Spice Girl with lots of money and not much to do with yourself, other than star on shitty reality TV shows about dancing, you’d be on drugs too.

Here are some Melanie Brown bikini pictures for those of you who care. Personally, I find it very unattractive to see a woman smoke, unless it’s after sex and then it’s a must. Hence, the reason I smoke two packs a day. Yes, I’m a rock star.

Here are some pictures of Ashlee Simpson kissing a topless chick. I wonder what her religious molesting father thinks of this shit.

Here are some recent pictures of old lady Patrica Heaton in a bikini, something I could have died without never seeing, but that’s just because you all know how I feel about a bitch in a bikini who has no business being in a bikini, even if you’ve jerked off to her a few time when the only show on late night TV was an Everybody Loves Raymond re-run, because we all know that was just an act of desperation.

I have a feeling I’m getting slammed from Google these days. That’s right folks, Celebslam has all the “Melissa Etheridge hot beach pics” you can handle!

You motherfuckers are crazy. I constantly get Kim Kardashian supporters bitching me out for saying that she has a fat ass because she eats too fucking much and doesn’t exercise, and that all you fuckers are just confusing sloth lazy over-eating fat with sexy natural booty bullshit because Kim Kardashian doesn’t have cellulite because her fat is so compacted that the skin looks smooth, when really it’s just tryin’ to hold it all in there without exploding all over the place. It is the same reason your 300 pound beer belly is harder than Reggie Bush’s 6-pack and I think it needs to stop because I think it’s giving her an ego.

Kate Hudson does look a little fat in the uterus, but my expert opinion is not very expert since I have never knocked a girl up either because I am shooting blanks or I just never heard back from the girl since pregnancy and abortions were all part of her job description and were a cost of doing business, so even if she did get knocked up, she still wouldn’t have called me to let me know because she got with so many men in any given day, anyone could have been daddy….