The path to a career in public access television is really quite simple. First, you have to be born into a low-income family that is either extremely religious or runs an animal bordello out of their basement. Then you make sure that you only wear used clothing from JC Penny and glasses from Rite Aid which will prevent you have having sex until the age of 35. After that, all you have to do is try to kill one of your foster parents in their sleep and drink the blood of a live squirrel and you should get your first gig.